Soap is not a condiment
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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