Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
