i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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