I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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