My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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