And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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