So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My penis needs a shock collar
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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