i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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