I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
