when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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