Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im six kinds of drunk right now
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
