I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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