I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Shame is for Republicans.
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