I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
