I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
