The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Are my feet made of real feet?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The uberlube is also flammable
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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