You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
