I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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