dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
