Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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