i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
