Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize