Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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