I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
