at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
