allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
