Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So drunk its hurt
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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