This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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