They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
