using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm like, not good at living.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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