Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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