when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
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