Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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