can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
