I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
