i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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