if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.