$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
