i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.