and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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