I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
