Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
