how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
