Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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