I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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