Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
