I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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