it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
