I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
