You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
