i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
