I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
