We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
