I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
