If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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