I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
