Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
