i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
