I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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