just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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