If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
