Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
