just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
