Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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