when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
